Fear

It’s something we all deal with from time to time.  Or, a lot of the time, depending on the person.  Whether it’s in the form of anxiety, worry or stress or a seemingly minor one called concern, it’s all a type of fear.  It’s crippling.  It causes you to miss out on things, opportunities, and life as a whole.  As believers, this should not be.  We have promises.  And, when we learn to stand on those promises, we can overcome fear.  Every last bit of it.

The past few weeks have been an incredible reminder of my journey overcoming fear and anxiety.  Even when you get past it once, the enemy brings another opportunity.  I desire to overcome it for good.  If you’re dealing or have ever dealt with it…I hope this helps.

As a kid, probably around seven or eight, my sister and I were at my grandmother’s house.  We were jumping on the bed – enjoying every minute of it – and my grandma walked by hollering, “If you two don’t stop jumping on that bed you’re gonna get appendicitis!”

And, so it began.  I remember thinking, instantly, “Oh my gosh.  What does that mean?  Am I gonna die?  I’m doomed!”  Because I was an avid rope jumper at school.

I went home and got my mom’s monstrosity of a book that listed every disease known to mankind, and found appendicitis.  Yep.  It looked like one could die from that.  While reading about it, I also read about liver and kidney diseases and the symptoms that came with them.  From that point on, every small pain and ache was quite possibly the beginning of my demise.  I was a symptom-watching machine.

Over time, it got worse and worse.  If I noticed any symptoms of any kind – especially cold, flu and strep throat, I would hide them as long as I could.  If I went home from school it was because I was truly not feeling well.  My sister, on the other hand, would make herself sick just to go home from school.

Months later, at my grandma’s again, I saw her checking my grandpa’s blood pressure.  When I asked what she was doing, she said, “I’m making sure your Grandpa Don’s heart is still beating.”  In my kid-brain, I thought, “Oh, that’s what I must do.  I have to make sure my heart is still beating.”  I began to check my own pulse constantly.

Fear.  Anxiety.  Stress.  It all began in those moments.  Can you imagine what happened when I couldn’t find my pulse right away?

I was afraid of sleeping by myself.  I was afraid of the dark.  I was afraid of what could happen in my sleep.  Or in the dark.  It wasn’t just the dying that scared me, it was also the impending doom of potentially being damned to hell – because I knew I wasn’t perfect.  Every night I would pray, “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.”  (That’s a terrible prayer, by the way.)  The anxiety caused a myriad of symptoms.  My stomach would hurt.  My brain was constantly on full-tilt thinking about it.  I was also very aware of the demonic realm, thanks to a babysitter who allowed us to watch a Freddy Krooger movie when I was four.  When the hair on the back of my neck would stand up – which was quite often – I thought it could be another symptom of another disease.

I started going to church more frequently around that time.  Wednesday nights were dreaded.  That was usually when they would announce prayer requests from the pulpit.  I learned of new ways to die every week.  From cancer to brain tumors, I was a nervous wreck.  I began going to a Missionettes class, being part of an Assembly of God church.  I thought I was safe.  No more scary prayer requests with crazy diseases.

As I was getting comfortable with my new class, listening to everyone quoting Bible verses and going through the handbook, a new girl comes to class.  She was type 1 diabetic.  Every square inch of my skin began to crawl.  This was a new one.  Was it contagious?  Could I catch it and die?  Oh. My. God.

She reassured everyone that it wasn’t something to be caught.  Thank God.  But, I was horrified over the next few weeks when they began to showcase her diabetes, complete with teaching us how to check blood sugar levels and inject insulin when necessary.  I was beside myself with fear.  Every dad-gum week.

It wasn’t until I was in my latter teens and in the midst of revival, getting a good bit of the Word inside of me, that I began to overcome it.  In youth discipleship, we were required to memorize verses, one of them being 2 Timothy 1:7, For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.  It was then that I learned the power of the Word.  At night, especially, I would quote it over and over in my head until I fell asleep.  And, every night it worked.  I found myself less and less afraid.

Finally, I was pondering sickness and death one day.  I might’ve been fourteen.  As I was thinking about it, I realized that heaven is better than earth.  I came to the conclusion that dying wouldn’t be so bad.  And, in that moment, I experienced a type of freedom.  I was no longer afraid of dying.  Just of getting sick.  So, I decided I’d never get sick.  I had no idea of the power of believing, at the time.  But, I did know that whatever I asked for, I’d receive it.  And, I believed it.

Fast forward quite a few years.  I was married and we’d just opened the pool store.  We were very, very busy with the start of a new season.  Tim had just lost one of his guys and suddenly started having anxiety attacks.  But, he didn’t know that’s what it was.  He actually thought he was having a heart attack.  At 29.  I knew it was anxiety, because I’d been down that road.  Try telling someone in the midst of it that it’s really just anxiety.  It took about a year, but he overcame it.

The following year, sometime in January of 2014, Tim and I had gone to dinner at a Japanese restaurant in Pensacola.  While walking out I noticed my heartbeat, and then gone.  I got super dizzy and thought I would fall forward.  My heart had skipped a beat, and I learned later that I was sensitive to MSG.  I didn’t know it then.  It scared the bejeezus out of me.  There was one other similar incident around that one.

A few weeks later, January 29 and 30, I woke up two nights in a row to “call to arms”.  It was God speaking.  And, it was loud.  But, at the time, I had no idea what it meant.

I learned later:  Bid to combat; mobilize; rally; a summons; invitation; an appeal to undertake a particular course of action.

I thought, “Okay God…I still don’t know what to do with this.”

A week later, my great grandmother passed away.  I was planning to visit her in the hospital on my way to a ladies retreat the day before she passed.  But I didn’t.  Instead, I rode with other ladies and decided to go see her when I got back.  That was all I could think about the night she died.  Regret.  Anger.  And, then fear.

I started noticing my family.  They were all aging.  My dogs were getting older.  I was getting older.  Mortality hit very hard.  The night she died, I went home and couldn’t sleep.  I went into our closet with my Bible, iPad and notebook.

Over the next several months I combatted the craziest fear.  It was constant.  The anxiety was real and I thought I was having heart problems.  Indigestion came with the stress which caused even more crazy symptoms.  And, I realized I was battling the same fear and anxiety that Tim had just finished fighting.  It was nuts.  And, that “call to arms” that I heard was God giving me a heads-up.  Once I figured that out, it was on.  And, I won that battle again.

Fast-forward again.  I had a baby in August of 2016.  His birth was a bit crazy, complete with a twelve-day NICU stay.  But, all through it, I knew he was totally fine.  Perfect, actually.  I just couldn’t get the doctors to know what I knew.  And, after a week they did.

After having him, I started seeing crazy scenarios in my head.  I was afraid of carrying him down any flight of stars – and we have two sets of them.  I was afraid of lifting him up in the loft because, what if I trip and he goes flying over the balcony.  Things that couldn’t possibly happen.  Freak accidents.  But, I never voiced them out loud, so I thought I was safe from anything happening.

But, why?  Why the weird thoughts and scenarios?  I learned that a lot of moms have this happen.

After very much thought and deliberation, I’ve come to the conclusion that the enemy, being ever against the family unit, hits all moms hard in their thought life.  He hits them with fear and anxiety, and all the scenarios that he can.  I still have the random thoughts on occasion.

One of the most notable patterns was when I was in my second year of Bible school.  I would be listening intently to whoever was speaking, and out of nowhere a thought came, “Did I close the garage door?  What if I didn’t.  Can Noah get out?”  And, then all the scenarios would come.  And I would miss EVERYTHING the instructor said.

When that happened a few times, I took notice.  And, rather than getting sucked into the fear-thoughts, I would listen even more intently.  I kid you not…  Every time that happened, I would get something incredible out of that class.  Had I given into fear, I would’ve missed what God was trying to get to me.

One of the things that helped the most, and I started this when fear was strong, I took Psalm 91 and re-wrote it tailored for me and my family.  I typed it out and posted it on the cabinet.  Every time fear would come, I would read it out loud.  And, it wasn’t even a few days, I realized I wasn’t reading it very often.  Because I wasn’t in fear.

See…  the enemy doesn’t want you in the Word.  Yet, he always seems to overplay his hand, which drives (or should drive) you directly to the Word.  When you start reading the Word of God (which is just as powerful coming out of your mouth as it is God’s mouth) the enemy can’t even handle it.  Fear stops.

Then I realized the power our imaginations have.  At playgrounds, when I would be that helicopter mom that hovers, I would switch that scary scenario from the “what if he falls” to “even if he does fall, he’d be fine” and I would imagine angels standing right there to catch him.  It worked.

I said all of that to say, fear only has the power that you let it have.  It’s really the only thing the enemy has.  To plant thoughts and get you off-center.  He’s truly powerless.

As I’m writing this, it’s 11:30pm and I’m downstairs by myself.  This is a reminder to me, right now, hearing all the creepy noises.

The opposite of fear is not faith.  It’s love.  Because perfect love casts out fear.  Faith doesn’t cast out fear…  Love does.  (1 John 4:18). And, without love (God) you can’t even have faith.

When you know how much you’re loved by your Father, fear can’t find a place to hold on to you.  You’re literally hidden in the shadow of His wings. (Psalm 91:4). He won’t let anything happen to you.

You’re His favorite.

To combat fear, anxiety, worry or concern – do a study on the love of God.  Psalm 91 is a good start.  Or 1st John, the whole book.  Ask Him to show you how much He loves you.  And, He absolutely will.